1. Key won't turn all the way and car won't start or you can't remove the key after stopping:  Most likely you're in an automatic and the car isn't in park.  Put the car in park and all will be well. 

2. Car won't start: Make sure that the steering wheel is in a normal position. If not, wiggle the wheel until it unlocks and you can start the car.  Another possibility is that the battery is completely dead. Charge the battery.

3. Engine won't turn over: Either the battery is nearly dead or you have an older car.   Charge the battery.  If you have a manual car, pump the gas once before turning the key again.

4. Car stalls every time you stop: You're probably driving a really old car that does this all the time.  Rev the engine every time you come to a stop and it should fix itself once the engine warms up.  If you're only driving a semi-old car, you probably did something to anger your car like telling it you're buying a new one to replace it or take it car shopping. Tell the car that nothing will every truly replace it and rev the engine every time you come to a stop.  It should fix itself in a couple of days after it gets over being angry. Note: I've only had this problem with manuals.  I'm not sure that it's good to use this fix on automatic cars.

5. Turn signal handle doesn't work/no clicking noise when you use the turn signal: The turn signal handle mechanism thingy has probably gone bad.  Go pick up a new one from junkyard and replace the old one.  Make sure you get one from the exact same car that you have (especially the same year) or it might not fit properly.

6. Car is uneven or feels like it's limping: You most likely have a flat tire.  Depending on the severity and where you are, either blow up the tire to get it home (good if you're about a house down from your driveway) or jack up the car and put on the spare.  Then fix the tire or buy a new one. 

7. You can see the ground through your car: You've got serious rust cancer.  The prognosis is very poor.  There is no cure and little that you can do.  Make the car's last moments its best.

8. There is water in the car that doesn't come from leaving the door/sunroof/window open in the rain: You probably have bad seals somewhere.  Put sawdust on the suspected bad seal and blow from the inside of the car to see where the sawdust blows away. (Don't try this on a windy day.)  If there is a humongous puddle on the floor on the driver's side or the passenger's side, check the doors for rust holes.  Weld on some more metal to cover the hole.

9. Car squeals when starting when it's wet: Your belts are loose.  Tighten them up.

10. The a/c is warm: You have a leak in the system or it just hasn't been charged in a long time.  Fix the leak and charge up the a/c with some freon (I think newer cars may use something else).

11. Turn signal makes weird, frequent clicking when turned on: Turn signal light is burnt out.  Replace the bulb.

12. People in other cars frequently punch the air when you drive by them at night:  Your headlight is burnt out and you're now a padiddle. Replace the bulb or leave it that way for the entertainment value.  Just don't let the cops catch you.

13. Rattles in the car: Ignore them or appoint a passenger to constantly keep pressure on whatever rattles.  These occasionally fix themselves whenever they feel like it.

14. Rattles in the trunk: Remove the dead body from the trunk.  If there are no dead bodies, and everything else loose is secure, check the two metal wires that criss-cross each other near the top of the trunk.  There should be little pieces of rubber that keep the wires from clanging together but they've probably slid down the wires.  Push them back to the point where the wires cross.

15. Clock display disappears: Flick the clock hard with your fingers several times before the display reappears.

16. Car door falls off or car turns to dust: (This is the only one that hasn't happened to me)  Reattach the door with bungee cords or just keep driving and pretend nothing happened.  If the car is just a pile of dust on the highway, grab the license plates and run away, pretending that it's not your car.

17. No windshield wiper fluid comes out: Either you have an empty reservoir (duh!) or it's frozen.  Refill the tank or wait for warmer weather.  Do you really need to wash the window when it's 10 below 0?? (I'll admit that I do)

18. Windshield wipers make visibility worse: Time for new windshield wipers. 

19. CEL is on: Get the code read at your friendly neighborhood Auto Zone.  If they're competent, they'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it (i.e. Oxford).  If they're not they'll just read the print-out to you and you have to figure out what to do yourself (i.e. Hamilton). 

20. Can feel the springs through your seat: You've had your car for a long time or the quality of your car sucks.  Get a seat pad if it's really bad. 

21. Threadbare or stained cloth/ holes in the ceiling: Cover them up with seat covers or pretty colored duct tape.

22. Gas gauge fluctuates: You probably have a honda.  Make sure you get gas before the needle gets too close to empty.

23. Speakers make funny noises at loud volumes or with lots of bass: You've blown your speakers.  Buy new ones.  Like subwoofers.  Then you can really ride in style.

24. Muffler sounds really loud: It has holes in it.  This may be on purpose.  If it is, then you should buy a new one without holes.  Loud mufflers sound stupid.  If it's not on purpose, buy a new exhaust system or fix the holes by welding a can to it.  Cans of corn are the best.

25. Pieces of your car are scattered about the ground: You have either just washed your car and the rusted parts have fallen off or you've gotten into a wreck.  If it's rust just wash it away.  If it's a wreck, call 911, obviously.  Proceed to mourn your car in either situation whether it's still driveable or not. 

26. Headlights dim when brakes are pressed or battery light comes on: Your battery is dying.  You either have an old battery or a bad alternator.  Replace one or both.  Note: don't buy an alternator from a junkyard because it's likely that they'll go bad. 

27. White smoke comes from under the hood: Your head gasket is blown.  Prepare for major car surgery.  Don't drive the car in this condition or you may cause further damage to the engine.